The Office of the Prime Minister has released a transcript of a meeting between Theresa May and her colleagues in the Conservative Party.

Judging by the document, Theresa May openly and explicitly promised to resign in the near future in exchange for supporting her Brexit deal and transfer further negotiations with EU into the hands of a successor.

“I have heard very clearly the mood of the parliamentary party. I know there is a desire for a new approach – and new leadership – in the second phase of the Brexit negotiations and I won’t stand in the way of that,” May said.

Now, you shouldn’t think May would retire tomorrow or the day after tomorrow: she promised to do it “after the completion of the first phase” of Brexit. That is, after April 12 or May 22. If she doesn’t take  advantage of the “newly discovered circumstances” to revise her promise.

Then the process of electing a new head of the Conservatives will begin, which would last from a couple of months to six months and is accompanied by intraparty votes – like the election of a new Pope of Rome.

All this time – until August or the beginning of the winter, Theresa May will still be the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the leader of the Conservative Party. Remember this.

So today let’s talk about the notorious 7th Pembroke Earl, who was twice accused of murder, but escaped court due to the fact that only the king can judge the peers … although to hell with that! Let’s talk about Brexit! Again! More!

It’s like the seventh season of the Game of Thrones, only the for the last thirty episodes all actors were replaced by Joffrey and Ramsey.

The worst interior minister in history, the worst in history (To preempt all doubts, I’m sure Munich and Suez crisis were comparable, but May’s a peacetime PM) the prime minister tried to make a deal that resulted in appointment of the worst foreign minister, Boris Johnson, who she also had to force to resign, and who is highly likely become the future prime minister. Incredible level of intrigue. Incredible acting. How could we escape this?

And to compliment the picture, at midnight, the Parliament turned into a pumpkin – consistently voting against each of the eight possible ways out of the EU, against remaining in the EU and against Theresa May’s deal. This is beautiful, isn’t it?

All options are rejected. Theresa May Agreement is rejected. The reversal of Brexit is also rejected.

I laughed for a very long time in February and March and repeated to my dear colleague that in the end everything would end with the Parliament voting in general against all the options and opening a small black hole in central London, but seeing it on the air yesterday was a discouraging experience.

Okay, so let’s observe. Auntie May’s promise to resign again means that all this is done not for the sake of the country, but for the sake of balance in one’s own party.

All these melodramatic statements about the “best option for the country” and the new, fresh leadership mean only that the Tories realized that their ruling party was falling apart like a piece of sugar in hot tea. All these chaotic decisions were ultimately made because of party interests, and not at all because of worries of a common cause.

This is confirmed by the fact that as soon as May said that she would give up the chair, her most vehement critics – Rees-Mogg and Johnson immediately agreed that her deal was just great and this is a good exchange, guys, let’s support the resigning leader, whoo!

You bloody junkies, you swore for two months in a row that you would not give the damn deal an inch, that it was bondage and slavery under the European Union, that any Englishman should think about the flag, the motherland, the queen and reject Theresa May’s false choice … but no, as soon as there was a choice between a deal and empty armchairs in the office, the furious critics rushed forward in a wave, taking their seats.

To hell with the principles, to hell with the greatness for the country, to hell with the dramatic monologues on camera, Boris Johnson wants to become the prime minister!

We voted for one thing, now for another, but that’s okay, the guys will understand everything. Yes, they won’t understand. “Hello, dear voters, forget all the mud buckets that we poured on May, we now must support her!”. Yes, we talked about vassal dependence, but what would you call it when the boss leaves and gives his warm seat up in exchange for some miserable votes?

Although again, all these hopes may prove false – even though the premier’s dreams to not remain immortalized in the history books as the most helpless prime minister strengthened quite well after trying to push through the scheme of “support me, dismiss me, become me”, but here’s a hitch – right after Mogg and Johnson’s speeches about how Theresa was a great gal and offered a great deal in exchange for her dismissal, another shadow leader of the ERG, Marc Francois, stood up – and pushed a great bloody speech on how true patriots would never support such a laughable deal that would result in continuing their friendship with the European Union

And you know what? The House applauded. Johnson seems to have lost his iconic image of a man of true words among sharply right-wing deputies, and Mogg lost something more important – an image of an incorruptible one, strictly upholding his outdated, but important principles.

And then, an hour later, the DUP issues an official statement that it is better to wait two years, but not to support the May deal, which will sell Northern Ireland to Europe and destroy the kingdom.

This is great, guys. It is better than any soap opera. That is, it was all in vain – even despite the fact that Tories are Tories and only think about themselves, as if all these turns with a crunch of the spine in the past 24 hours were not enough: about 30 people from conservatives and DUP will never get on May’s side despite all that. The deal fails by a margin of 60, for third time. All in vain, all in vain, cover your head and lie down with your feet to the atomic flash.

Here is a sample bulletin that parliamentarians filled out yesterday, but it is not important.

Leave without a deal? Piss off. Common labor market and customs union? Get out! Common labor market without a customs union? Go away. Customs Union without the free movement of labor? We do not love you. Crazy Labor mix of these three options plus additional agreements? Ahahahahaha. Revoke withdrawal statement and rip Brexit stopgap? Pfffffffft, what are you talking about? Second referendum? Just no. Suspend Brexit until separate agreements with France and Germany are ready? We are the British Parliament, we do not want a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.

It seems to me that a petition for mass executions, or for a queen jumping onto a white horse and chopping em all up into paste will collect no less than 6 million votes, just like same petition for stopping Brexit.

The circus has been dosed with LSD and it just won’t bloody stop.

The closest option that got to passing was the customs union, 264 against 272. The second referendum scored 268, but had 295 against..

Bercow is now at war with the conservatives to ensure that yesterday’s vote was considered screening and, say, the three proposals that received the most votes would be re-voted. Tories are now pointing fingers at Bercow’s March 22 speech, where he beautifully justified why it is impossible to put same issues to vote over and over again..

Bercow’s ideas are beautiful, but let’s be honest – idiots, cretins, you had to decide on the options BEFORE the ‘16-year referendum! Who are you, shoemakers or politicians? Why do you have the Minister of Finance regularly looking puzzled at the camera and says that he did not expect such a vote? How did not expect it?

Similarly, it is completely unclear to me why May will resign, if her deal wins – and why all of a sudden it would turn out bad for everyone, if her deal loses THREE TIME in three months. This is ‘Alice in Wonderland’ level of logic.

I wonder if may drinks heavily in the evenings? She is pretty much obliged to.

Why didn’t Corbyn move for a vote of no confidence on the same 22nd? Tories were already going stark raving mad on the camera on how Theresa was dishonoring the party and had to be removed. Throw in the proposal for her resignation and they could have pushed it through

But nooo, we will wait until the right moment to replace her with one of ours! So now nobody wants to exonerate May as she herself promised to leave.

Elections. Elections and mass executions will save this country. Maybe. And you need to stop spraying cocaine through Parliament’s ventilation system.

If everything goes on like this, then by July Queen Elizabeth II, sitting on a throne made from melted down London’s Eye, will be carried on the backs of guardsmen into the Parliament and Charles will proceed to commute mass executions by sword to the thunderous applause of the nation. The Brexit debacle is the best argument for absolute monarchy the Parliament could’ve made.

I suggest that the British declare war on Belgium or Ireland and immediately surrender in half a minute. This will solve a lot of problems.

by Pavel Chudov exclusively for NewsFront

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