A terrible occasion has befallen the Obama couple: A white child has been born today by the First Lady of the United States Michelle Obama. This was the topic of today’s press conference led by the Department of State spokesperson Marie Harf.

It is beyond doubt that this was an act of Russian aggression, orchestrated by president Putin himself. We have irrefutable evidence that we, unfortunately, cannot reveal at this time due to its confidential nature.

Journalist: How would you explain that nine months before that the Obama couple was visited by the Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko? Could these two events be connected?

MH: Absolutely unconnected. Besides, president Poroshenko was visiting the United States in non-official capacity. He could’ve been visiting his grandmother, for all we know.

– And how would you explain the startling resemblance between the child and president Poroshenko?

– Considering the child is not African-American, facial similarities cannot be established by mere observance.

– Are you saying that all whites look alike?

– I never said that!

– What about the results of an independent paternal tests that prove that the parent is president Poroshenko with 99.9% confidence.

– We have irrefutable proof of the contrary.

– Which is?

– President Poroshenko’s statement published on “YouTube”

– And you’re basing it only on that statement?

– Of course, it’s completely logical. The man is not guilty, and he said as much. We have no reason to doubt that.

– What if president Putin made such a statement?

– We, of course, would not be able to trust it.

– Why not?

– Look, you’re just parroting Kremlin’s propaganda, do you have any other questions?

– How does the First Lady comment on this incident?

– She believes that this was an act of aggression from Russia and Putin himself, since the involvement of US-aligned states is impossible,

–But what does she say about the origin of this event? It’s not like such a thing could be forgotten!

– Listen, I’m tired of your pro-russian verbal attacks, next question, please!

– So you are convinced that Russia and Putin is behind this.

– We have no reason to doubt that.

– Considering that during the last year Obama couple was visited by president Poroshenko, that the child is a carbon copy of president Poroshenko, the results of the paternal tests establishing complete genetic match between president Poroshenko and the child, and the fact that Putin, according to the satellite data, was approximately twenty thousand kilometers from the First Lady, you still believe Putin was responsible?

– My job is to voice the results of our experts, not to participate in childish disputes! Besides, you’re underestimating the virility of Russians, the range and the fire rate of their kind! This tragedy cannot be allowed to happen again. We are going ask the global community to impose the harshest sanctions against Russia and president Putin personally!

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